Collecting Thoughts

Crap, unmotivated and uninspired. Need to get my shit together and get work done, make a list of all of my plans and start doing instead of sighing and trying to remember everything at once. Lots of little things niggling on my brain and in between a lot of places at the moment. Nothing is being accomplished and I feel like a fraud and a failure simultaniously. I keep saying that I’ll pull into gear and do all of the things that make life worth living and then working for hours without getting much done. I’m frustrated.

Bad Luck

So, we get a down payment from a new client. Within a week, enough stuff breaks for us to spend every red cent of it on replacing our water meter AND our fridge. Whoo, go us!

Gonne be a happy new year

This year, my basic resolutions were:

• become financially independent (almost!)
• do more art (yes!)
  
• make a business out of my art/illustration/possible teaching (started!)
  
• become a useful musician, possibly learn bass.
• go to New Zealand
• turn 21 (managed it!)

For Next year, they are:

• become less mentally incontinent
• do more art
• sell my art
• expand our business
• rennovate mum’s house and move in when we’re happy with it
• be financially independent
• grow some of our own food
• write a zine
• publish aleksi
• have at least one exhibition
• persue the mental health team for the treatment of my mother
• buy produce locally
• strip back to a non processed, non packaged diet.
• get a kitten or puppy
• get a tattoo
• gain a serious art comission from someone I don’t know

And, that stupid new year quiz:

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We recorded the song up in the northeast kingdom on borrowed instruments. Our hazy-eyed hairball engineer swayed like a derelict wrecking ball over the console like a played-out carnie with nothing to show for a lifetime of swindling. His down-to-the-filter cigarette wandered listlessly with a skeletal droop of ash as he leaned on his crippled office chair teasing gravity. He ended up giving in to his heavy eyes and passing out on the couch with his feet up, still holding the cigarette as Brad and I took turns pressing the “record” and “locate” buttons. – Dispatch on recording “The General”

Laurie had insomnia last night and was up till past 2am learning this song

Noxious November

Welcome to the annual November downswing! I’m your host, depressed as fuck debbie downer!

So, my meds aren’t working, and I wish I had my old doctor back because he wasn’t shit scared to fuck around with my meds. At the moment, my GP feels like he doesn’t know enough to mess with them wisely (I’d rather have him say that than do it anyway just to see what happens) and wants my pdoc to do it. My pdoc doesn’t want to mess with them for another month or so.

This week, I get to see how my liver is coping with my medication. If it isn’t, it will be a fun, fun week.

Hot and Sticky

Indian donuts are the shiznit. Also, I have a fetish for paper products and have come up with my nome de plumme for writing and arting.

Tomorrow

I will make this crazy middle eastern doughnuts, some dahl, work because I’ve found my new German officer to make sure I’m working, colour in pictures, and finally play some guild wars, and maybe paint a little.

I’ve been trying to fight off gaming for too long. I’m liking Guild Wars.

I have a list of stuff I need to get done.

Finally!

The show wrapped up today. The crowds for the whole show have been great, and it looks like we’re polishing, and doing a return season next year. I’m going to miss doing this every day, but I need to get back to work, and alas, all shows end. I will link to the gallery if/when i get some photos up. I know plenty of them were taken.

So, aside from that, today I painted my cast, and tonight is the afterparty. We also got to have lunch with Matt and Jess to sort out their invites and to generally hang out. I wish I had interesting, deep things to say, but there’s nothing really cool going on. I need to clean and decorate the house some more. I feel like it has no sauce at all, especially since we lost the fridge (the doors of which are being donated to science Newdrew, when I finish them, remove the surfaces, and prepare them for hanging.)

Johnny go boom boom

So, I met Jono Cooper last night and didn’t realise it. He was taping the show. I am currently surrounded by pirates and fairies, and this morning’s run through was perfect. I am very, very happy, and very very stressed and busy, but it’s good, show related stressed and busy which is okay.

We’re still another twenty five minutes out from show and the hall is about a third full. This is a good thing. I hope it’s busy tonight, though I’m not much expecting it for a Thursday night (it is Thursday, right?).

So, if you’re in the area, I think you totally need to see this.

So,most of the contents of most of my new entries have been whiney, annoying and innapropriate. If I have shame related to the person I was last week, I really don’t want to talk about who I was last month, or last year. The last three days I’ve been really bad (irritable, fidgety) and I don’t know whether to put that down to being cooped up inside for too long or whether something is going wrong with meds. Worst thing is that I know that it’s happening and that it’s bad. I have this fun sense of foreboding negativity all the damned time, and I don’t like it much. So, it’s off to the doctors first thing wednesday morning for a sodium valproate level test and another fun consult in which I get to tell my doctor that I’m not going so well. It’s also another twenty three days before I get to see the specialist again and I just know that my GP is going to say “talk to your specialist” and the specialist is going to say “I haven’t seen you enough yet to be comfortable with messing with your medication”.

However, I feel much better yesterday than I did the day before that. I woke up and got to chat with Andrew, who needs a prefix to distinguish himself from bluedrew and newdrew in conversation. Then, we sorted out the sound desk so that’s not an issue anymore. Then, I realised that the pain was dull enough to put some pressure on it, bag it and take a good long shower and wash my hair.

Then dad came over. He bought me more showing supplies and we made a start on the letter that is going to the coroner. They want to know about her entire history, in what capacity we were caring for her and her treatment in the weeks leading up to her death. I have no problem with dredging up details regarding her death, but there’s lots of stuff about her mental illness that I don’t particularly want to discuss, but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. I don’t have to go into too much detail about every incident in the past outside of the recent admissions, but I know that stuff is going to be nagging on my mind. So, it took about forty minutes before dad got snarky, so I kicked him out and he rang later to actually apologise, which is really weird and out of character. It worries me, in fact.

Today, I got to sort out the lighting queues with John, and fiddle with the lighting desk. Unfortunately, 4 is out of action, and 10 needs to be reaimed to serve any purpose. Laurie made sound come from the PA which was a positive thing.

I have been watching far too much trashy television. I started watching Lie to Me at night this week, and its pop psychology and its overly dramatic storylines are so bad, but Unfortunately,it’s one of those shows that’s completely addictive because of its main character, like Jekyll, though it has one of the worst endings I’ve ever, ever seen. I also find it very interesting that FOX’s television shows bring up lies as a central theme so often, and often have a forced push of liberal viewpoints, despite their actual news reporting.